The one that will never go away. Guilt
- that i did not protect you
- that i put work ahead of your health and my own
- that i waited so long to have you
- that you are suffering
- that it is my fault
- that i already failed as your mother
The one that sneaks up on you. Self-Pity
- that i didn't get to hold you after you were born
- that i never got a really big belly or felt hiccups
- that we didn't take many pregnancy photos
- that we only felt kicks for a few weeks
- that we didn't get to take birthing classes, tour the hospital, or pack a hospital bag
- that the whole process from getting pregnant to delivery was so difficult
- that i didn't get to take you home
The strongest one of all. Fear
- that you will have limitations
- that you will struggle
- that you will not experience love, joy, laughter
- that I have changed who you were supposed to be
My heart breaks for you. Your guilt really makes me sad. I know God would not want you to feel guilty and neither would Santiago. One day you will be telling him of his story. God is in control and will take care of your little man. We are all praying for him and for you guys. He is a beautiful baby.
ReplyDeleteOh, Neta I am just in tears reading this. You are already a wonderful mother. I wish I could take all these feelings away. I can't imagine how hard all of this is on you. I am praying for all of you every day and I have many others praying for you as well.
ReplyDeleteNeta, my preemie, Samantha's oldest brother, Michael, was 2 lbs 14 oz and was in the hospital for 7 weeks. He is now 25 yo, 200 lbs, a husband, and 10 months ago became a Daddy. I can completely relate to all of your thoughts above but do not beat yourself up. Putting it in writing is very healthy but don't let these thoughts consume you. The best advice I can give to you is to pray and focus on putting him in God's hands. Some burdens are too heavy to carry alone.
ReplyDeleteOh, Neta! All mamas have guilt, self-pity and fear. Praying for joy even in the midst of all this. You are doing the absolute best for him!!
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and two angels, faith and love--- believe that Santiago came exactly as he was supposed to, no matter how hard it is now, believe that you will continue to do the best for him and always put him first and love with all your heart and know that however you became a mommy, and whatever challenges you face, you will be loved and love in a way you never have. hugs and prayers to all of you.
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